Questions and Answers:
If a Vegan swallows after a BJ, is that against her "religion"?
That is a question I've asked frequently. Being that Veganism makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and therefore is impervious to my phenomenal powers of logic and reason, I referred this question to one of my vegan friends.
This pissed my friend of rather a lot, so he is no longer speaking to me. So I asked his girlfriend if she's a spitter or a swallower. She said that, being raised Roman Catholic (complete with way too short flannel skirt and knee-highs), of course she swallows.
I asked her why this doesn't violate her vegan views. She explained that vegans only care about animals. They don't want people to have any manner of interaction with animals at all, even if that completely negates the very reason many animals, such as cows and chickens, exist.
She said that it is morally superior to set animals free to die in the wild because millennia of domestication have robbed them of their ability to take care of themselves, than to relieve the god-awful pain of an udder full of milk and feed it to starving children who are malnourished and have no other source of calcium.
When I asked if she was out of her fucking mind, she confidently reported to me that these children should go to the local Whole Foods and get some soy "milk." I pointed out that Whole Foods aren't in business in places like Ethiopia, and that there are programs recommended by basically everyone who has a soul to provide rural villages with cows and goats to provide milk, and when they get too old to produce milk, meat.
This got her quite agitated. She said that these people were stupid to live in a place without an organic grocery store, and that they should move to a more enlightened neighborhood. She then vowed to not rest until she got all those "inhumane" programs canceled.
At this point in the conversation I had to take a break and take the biggest bong hit I have ever taken in my life to prevent an aneurysm. I then asked her why, if it was ok to ingest the product of a human, did that vegan couple that starved their baby to death not breast feed the child and tried to force the child to drink soy milk.
She then got a very sad look on her face, and explained that vegan women tend to be very thin and malnourished themselves, and as such they can't produce much breast milk. Then she said it was absolutely horrible that the child couldn't appreciate the value of bean juice as an alternative to its mother consuming an animal product to become healthy enough to actually take care of her own offspring, and wanted instead to take the milk from the mouth of a poor little calf instead. She recommended reading vegan pamphlets to babies in-utero so they were born appreciating the very important stand that their parents are taking to make the world a more humane place.
After staring dumbfounded and open-mouthed at her for what must have been a good half-hour, I quietly emptied the bong, walked out, drove to Wendy's, and took more pleasure in eating a greasy fast food burger than I ever had in my life.
