Posted:7/04/2007 1:05:04 AM EDT Submitted: 6/29/2007 11:25:00 PM EDT
hey taco i just have to ask..your a guy right i would like to know how to please my bf i mean his a computer geek and stuff like that is there anyway you can help without being funny
There are some that would argue that I am not funny at all. These people, of course, are religious conservatives, and Hillary Clinton. (Go figure.)
Well, it seems you have a unique problem here. No, not that your grammar is piss-poor, that seems to be the absolute rule of the Web. Rather, it's that you don't know how to please a man.
I'm going to assume you are a female, because any man, even a gay one, would know that in order to please a man, you have to have sex with him. If he does not want to have sex with you, it quite clearly means that he is gay. Unless you are the ugliest female in the world.
Still, if you are determined to make the attempt anyway, I would recommend doing a little something to draw his interest away from the computer, and into the sack.
You can do a few things to remind him of you whenever he is on the computer. Try taking a photo of yourself completely naked, possibly riding on the back of a barnyard animal, and setting it as his wallpaper.
Try emailing him a few times a day describing in graphic detail what you want him to do to you. Or what you will let the football team do to you if he doesn't.
You can slip some ecstasy into his Mountain Dew, then point to your vagina and say "Double-click me here."
Post a video on YouTube professing your undying love and lust for him. Make sure it is extra pathetic and stupid, so it gets high ratings.
Convince him that sex with you could actually be entertaining. You will need to emulate a First Person Shooter, so tape a camcorder to a helmet and make him wear it, hook it up to a small video screen, and tell him to hold his penis in his hands and look at it so it is on the bottom of his screen.
Develop artistic talent and create a Hentai cartoon depicting him and you having crazy sex. Remember, for this to work, you will have to have oversized eyes, cry about not being ready, yet moan like a whore as he, depicted as an alien, rapes you with slimy alien tentacles.
The method that would likely be recommended by a professional sex therapist (not some random guy running a fucked up advice site) would be role-playing. Odds are he is already familiar with this concept. Just make sure he doesn't try to hack you apart with a sword, and remind him there are no 20-sided dice involved.
Try dressing up and acting as the following:
1. An Orc. You will need green make-up, torn-up leather and fur clothing, and try repeatedly to smash him with an axe.
2. A Tomb-Robber. You will need a long ponytail, massive breast implants, a shirt that would be tight on a 4-year-old, black Daisy Dukes, and a pair of glocks. Try jumping and doing flips on the bed, and crawl around the room with your ass sticking up.
3. His favorite pop singer. You will need to become anorexic, snort mountains of cocaine, get breast implants, wear pigtails, enter and exit rehab 5 times, possibly get arrested for drunk driving and serve 1/20th of your prison term, get knocked up by a shitty dancer, marry him, divorce him, and have a few more kids by him, and shave the following (in order) and make sure many photos of taken of each: You armpits, your legs, your pubes, and your head.
4. A 14-year old Japanese girl. You will need to straighten your hair and dye it black, dark brown contact lenses, an extremely short plaid skirt, a button-up white blouse, a Hello Kitty backpack, lunch box, watch, and socks, and you will need to have your breasts reduced until they are non-existent.
I hope that some of these ideas will work for you. There is something in there for every kind of geek. I only request that you video tape these attempts and email them to me, so that I can post them on YouTube, or possibly create a DVD that I can sell on this site.
